@Donna_McCoy: Just go ahead and put "She always had to pee" on my tombstone, because that's how everyone's going to remember me.
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@david8hughes: [bank robbery] Robber 1: put money in the bag Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1? Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There's only 3 of us
@djdarrellripley: Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...
@joejwest: I'm going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.