Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.