They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.