“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.