“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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Some people were born into their job.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING