Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Storm Tropical Storm
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I am also baked goods
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Actually cracking up @ this
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.