Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.