@KentWGraham: Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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@NicestHippo: POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer [everyone looks at him] Oops
@rockymomax: WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
@Masquerage: I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said "time to get a watch" & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
@coryrichardson_: cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar me: i don't have any money cashier: then put it back me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us