@KentWGraham: Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
@arealliveghost: if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
@brendohare: A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. "We just yelled his name," said the head explorer. "Can't believe no one thought of that."
@Mikecanrant: I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.