Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”