Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I need to update my racial profile.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.