Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My dress code is business-casualty.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
this is the greatest thing ever
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.