Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Girl, same.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.