Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Ah yes. The three genders
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?