@HappyHijabbi: Just got added to a list called "people." Glad I made that cut.
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@QuiteQuietOne: The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
@ThisOneSayz: "So I go east? Then west? Then back east?" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
@dshack8: 50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.