I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
12. I think about this all the damn time
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE