[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself