Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Well, this explains it:
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
what my late-night hot pocket sees