Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk