Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on