@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
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@revenge_tanukis: It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
@QuintinForbes: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
@kashmir_lover1: According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk