@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
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@Glove_Monkey: Someone once told me "If you love something, set it free". I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
@WilliamAder: Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
@Rollmaninoz: *Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
@Jay_FrickinLynn: I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.