Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
#NoRestForTheWicked
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Cause of death: Zumba
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.