Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?