@JamesonN7: If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter.......... I'd be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

@LizHackett: My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, "What's burning?" I told him, "The world. But what you smell is the chicken."

@RatCasket: what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@4boding: My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she’s learned enough in school. She’s 5.

@weinerdog4life: When I'm in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I'm having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.