@hippieswordfish: [police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

@BillPelicanBros: *job interview* Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form

@Robert_Beau: For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.

@thenatewolf: ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions. DETECTIVE: [sighs] ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

@shutupmikeginn: If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?