@SingleGirlAlert: Me: Ur driving me crazy Crazy: Nah, I'm too drunk

@primawesome: This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

@OBiiieeee: Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

@chopper4jk: Text: How come you stopped drinking? Me: Because I kept waking up with you. Her: I hate you.

@hippieswordfish: *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*