Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
no one likes gloating
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.