@TheCatWhisprer: Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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@UrFavAsianGuy: I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I'm Asian.
@Marlebean: Friend zone?! I've been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I'm telling mom!!
@TheHyyyype: My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
@lasergirl70: Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.