@TheMichaelRock: Live a little, ask her "are ya done?" while she's still yelling at you.

@jake_lach: *Holds door for woman *Slams door in her boyfriend's face

@Carbosly: Apparently, saying "make it a double" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy.

@JT_IV_: What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@InternetHippo: GOD: Peter, you will be heaven’s bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don’t want— ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he’ll make you a dog