@TheCatWhisprer: Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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@Lerky: Me: you're like heroin. Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me? Me: No, because you're ruining my life.
@david8hughes: "The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-" [Bowser spits coffee] "Which plumber?"
@JimmerThatisAll: I've been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I'll be damned if I'm going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.