@UrFavAsianGuy: I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I'm Asian.

@Marlebean: Friend zone?! I've been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I'm telling mom!!

@TheHyyyype: My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@lasergirl70: Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

@FilthyRichmond: Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.