@ch000ch: just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee's is clapping
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@DecantAndPour: I can tell if someone's uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.
@jazmasta: Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
@TheSchnizzy: Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume
@dadofbieber: Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9 men.