just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though