@ch000ch: just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee's is clapping
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@DillDoes: Being a worm must great. Its like "wow that dirt was great I hope there's more" and there always is
@mattZillaaaa: My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"
@pharmasean: Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap