Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
You Might Also Like
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna