Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.