Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.