@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
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@TomMughal: I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it's because I look authoritative not because I look like I'm wearing a mask.
@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
@simoncholland: A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.