@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
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@fro_vo: [space shuttle] Captain: prepare for landing Me: roger that C: reverse thrusters M: sretsurht lol C: lol *we smash full speed into the moon*
@JohnLyonTweets: Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.
@sucittaM: Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't