@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
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@JediGigi: [1st date] Him: What do you do for fun? Me: I like pretending I'm someone else. Him: Wow? You do impersonations? Me: No, I steal identities.
@OctoberJones: In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
@Abusitron: *runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*