@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
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@panmidwest: FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike? ME: doesn't ring a bell
@JediGigi: I've been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
@Birdhumms: Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell