@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
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@hippieswordfish: ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can't make it FRIEND: you're holding a VCR warranty brochure
@DougBenson: That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
@StoferComic: An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don't really expect much to happen...