Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days