Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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omg leave her alone
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Don’t tell me what to do
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit