Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.