Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.