The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
The symmetry is uncanny.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If you had more money you’d be happier.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
58.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?