Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ