Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
smartest karate player in the world
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out