Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.