just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…