Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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no
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel