“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.