Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.