When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave