HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
It’s an epidemic…
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.