Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.