The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.