GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.