Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Only Americans understand
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
meow
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.