[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I’m putting together a team
they should invent a hydrating liquor
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Spotted in New Orleans.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)