her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
uh oh
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.