My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
men are simple creatures
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas