Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.