@NicCageMatch: Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
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@BigBagOfScum: Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"
@G_Faylor: [pulls meatloaf out of oven] he's still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever
@ComedicBust: All of my clothes look like they're about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I'm eating enough every time I see her.