Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.