As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Children of the corn 🌽
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.